Again!

He did it again. Again! We just had this huge discussion/argument/sob fest (for me anyway) last night about how I feel and that I havent a clue how to be a mommy, I never took any child development classes, never had an interest in kids ... til I had one. I specifically told him that when I ask him if he'd like to feed PL a bottle or baby food it's me BEGGING & PLEADING for help! That's the only unoffensive way I've found to ask him for help, otherwise he's on the defensive. His response to it was "Huney, I didnt know that, next time just ask and I'll be glad to help." Whatever! It sounded good then ...

Today I've been struggling to get one hour of office work done. That's it, I just need one hour. I sent FF a text (btw, it's day #4 of his 4 day) asking what he was doing. His response: "thinkin' bout a nap. u?" I told him I was trying to work but PL wouldnt nap and can he come play with her for a little bit, no one else is here. His response: "im wooped huney. and im not makin excuses." Whatever! I asked you for help, damnit! And now, after all this (reference to last nights big discussion and "just ask") you STILL dont help me! What the hell is wrong here!?!? I dont care if you're tired, I'm tired too, cant you see that! I dont get a 4 day! I dont even get a 1 day!

There was no Daddy day this week because apparently he's lost interest. Today was supposed to be Daddy day anyway. So, now PL is napping, thank goodness. And I have my hour ... and I'm fuming ... and hurt. More hurt than anything, because even when I ask I dont get help. That is why I dont ask. It doesnt matter, the outcome is the same either way.

Switch-a-roo

Ok, so as my dad always says "I reserve the right to change my mind." Getting out and connecting/reconnecting with real life people is hard and only happens once in a great while. I'm waiting until PL has health insurance again before taking her to church, or any kind of public "touch me" setting other than close family. Yes, I am germ paranoid. I know my immune system is weak, therefore I assume my daughter's is as well. Health insurance should kick in at the beginning of August, so only one more week, woohoo! In the mean time I've come back to ramble. This specific entry has not real point. I can complain, I can always complain, but I dont want this to be a 100% negative blog - that gets old fast.

PL turned 10 months old the other day. I still feel like a totally unprepared and inadequate mother. I know nothing, seriously, nothing. I take the tiny bits of information the family doctor gives me every 2 to 4 months and glean all I can from it. Then I get my once a month "your baby updates" from various brand name baby products. I dont have time, nor the desire to read multiple parenting books, though finding one on development might be helpful. I already know she's behind in developmental skills and such. Why? Because I dont know what the H I'm supposed to be doing with her. She's not crawling, she's not standing on her own, nor walking. She's hardly rolling over, and only from tummy to back. PL would rather not be on her tummy. I really dont think she'll ever crawl, she wont stay on her tummy long enough to learn. We finally accomplished the Cheerios hurtle. After I have put 2 or 3 in her mouth, she'll make an effort to pick them up and feed herself. Occasionally I think she'd be better of in day care, at least she might LEARN something, but I still dont like it. So I guess I will figure it out as I go and hope PL figures the rest out on her own. .... Is that an acceptable philosophy? It feels pretty weak to me.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend ... complaining? Yeah, kinda, sorry. FF works Saturday which means the same ol' same ol' for me. I tried to get together with a good friend who lives an hour away, but that fell through. The other semi-local friend has the kids this weekend, and for some reason "the kids" mean "no-can-do." So once again my weekend is flopping before it even starts. Though Sunday if FF isnt too tired & cranky we might drive up to the big city to look at tuxes for the wedding ... and go to the ice cream shop next door. Yup, tuxes is only an excuse for really good ice cream. =)

La.la.la. ... the corn looks good. Have I mentioned I'm a farm girl? Ooooo! Let's talk about cake! My little town actually has a professional cake baker lady that does these amazing big-city expensive-wedding cakes! I'm so surprised she's in this town! Must be because of her husband's job, maybe family? Anyway ... I couldnt resist pulling up her webpage & FB page. OH MY GOODNESS ... I am in LOVE with the flavors & the fillings. So much so that I really want to talk to FF about dropping our current cake lady -- who is the mother of his best friend from high school. Ouch - that's a bit too rude for me. I **want** the cake, but for friendship reasons I dont think we can politely cancel, even though nothing has been decided yet. We have already asked her to do the cake. Did I mention that this cake would be dumped out of a plastic pouch? Ugh. So big-city cake with it's enticing and delectable flavors will have to wait ... Can I buy myself a cake for my birthday? A sheet cake -- with 3 layers of cake and 2 layers of filling, is only $40. ;) I've only got 7 months until my birth

I'm done here for the day ... and the weekend. Be safe, it's hot out there! Have a good one.

Enjoy!

Tired of Myself

Ever get tired of talking about yourself? Being around yourself? ... I'm at that point. "Things" have improved with FF new job and I have been continuing to adjust. I dont feel completely lost and aggitated anymore, but I'm not totally at ease with myself and this new life either ... just adjusting. In my past life I had a different blog. I enjoyed blogging. I had e-friends then. My e-friends and I have since parted because of my lack of internet access. Now I crave the real thing. E-friends are wonderful. Sometimes it's easier to share my heart with them than the friends I can literally hug -- which are 2 semi-local, and 3 very long distance. I'm longing for more friends, real friends, not just bon fire buddies of my FF, but people/couples who are on the same page as me/us. A FF couple would be awesome! -- but that's getting too picky. So my mission is to network in real life - to go beyond FB & BS (blogspot, haha!).

And right now real life calls from the other room. She's getting fussy and refuses to nap.

Have a wonderful week!

Daddy Day

The weekend was a breath of fresh air for me ... and hopefully for my firefighter. The smoke in our relatioship settled enough for us to be able to enjoy our Friday date night with PL. We actually had leisurley (leisurely?) conversation on the drive to and from, which totals about 2 hours. Saturday was a good day as well. It was quite refreshing and just what I needed before he went back to work Sunday. Today appears to be declining, though I'm trying to maintain my positive-ness because I know he's tired and crankiness is/should be understandable.

PL's day with Daddy on Friday turned out to be a great idea. I hated not having her with me all day, but she needs Daddy time. Especially now with his schedule. So I suggested "Daddy Day." One entire day, out of his 4-day, will be Daddy Day. PL gets to spend the entire day with Daddy. I can go to work without her, or do whatever -- the "me" in this isnt the important part. As PL grows up she'll recognize that she has one whole day where she gets ALL of Daddy's attention. He can pick her up at school, take her out for ice cream, play play play! FF wasnt thrilled about having her the entire day at breakfast or lunch when I swung by to see how things were going, BUT as soon as it turned into Daddy Day he thought it was a great thing and is looking forward to that routine and having that day just about him & PL. I'm sooooo glad!

I need to wrap up here. We're going to participate in the Beautiful Baby contest at our little county fair this afternoon and both of us need baths. Mommy's been on a tractor & sweating. =P FF is going to be late to his fire class tonight so he can attend too. I hope the event goes quickly enough so he can be there for the whole thing.

<3

Crash & Burn

We're nearing the end of my firefighter's first 4 days off. Though this is the last "free" day for him ... and I'm working. I'm disappointed in this 4 day. I guess I should get used to it, that's what I read on another firefighter's wife blog. I thought we'd have *great* family time, fun time, good time. Instead it's been the opposite. He's got his own plans to fill his 4 days, and I've got none. He left me a note on his way out the door with $20 saying to take myself out to dinner, whatever I wanted. I left a note saying TAKE me and PL (baby daughter) out to dinner sometime instead. He said he wouldnt be gone long, it wouldnt be a late night. It was a late night. So late that I began to wonder where else he'd been ... He reassured me he came straight home from the lake. He's taking us out to dinner tonight, but there's tension. There's always tension. We cant talk about because of a volcanic eruption that will never cease to spew out it's burning words. To say the last I dont have a weekend to look forward to, and dont even want to care when his next 4 day is. Wishing the fire department was the local area instead of 30 miles away, maybe then I'd have a chance of meeting other ladies on the same department, in the same shoes.

Meet the "wife" ...

I should start by saying I'm not a firefighter's wife ... yet. We live together, have a 9 month old daughter, and are getting married in October. We live in small town northern Indiana on my family's farmstead. My firefighter fiance just became a full-time salaried firefighter a few days ago. He hasnt even completed his Fire 1 & 2 class yet -- which is awesome and amazing that he landed a full-time job with no prior volunteering or years of waiting. Prior to being a firefighter he has worked as an EMT-A for an ambulance service the past year transporting mostly non-emergency patients. And before that he worked in a local warehouse loading/unloading & doing local deliveries. A lot has happened in the 2 years I've known and been dating him. It has fallen into place perfectly for him. I love that.

I am a state university graduate who has mostly worked for my family business since graduating. I took a year and a half away from the family business to do other work at a local farm machinery dealership, only to realize I was chasing my tail there. Just after becoming pregnant I returned to the family business (farming + accounting for farmers). I wanted to be around to raise my daughter, to be able to take her to work with me. That was my driving force for returning to the family business part time. I am a country girl farm kid. I know this life, this lifestyle. What I dont know is firefighting -- the terms, the trucks, the routines, the hours, the shifts, the dreadful radio. I dont know how to adjust to something so foreign to me. How to live my life, but also to put it on hold for him.

I'm hoping to find answers, encouragement, support along this journey. To find ladies who have been there, who are there. To form friendships that bridge the gap in the absence of my firefighter.

More to come ...

Only Day #3

I am completely new to this Firefighter lifestyle ... and I'm already drowning. It's only the third day of work (third 24 hour shift) for my FF and I. I'm hoping reading other ladies' blogs & writing my own will somehow help me adjust. Proper introductions to come ...